Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Silence was reeking inside the room, even tik tik sound of a wrist watch which was lying somewhere on dressing table  was audible, it’s so annoying, I wanted to go and smash that wrist watch  but I had many other things to worry for that moment than dealing with the damn wrist watch. What have I done ever to go through this? I just wanted a death to swallow me to the eternity on this dark night.  At first the dark night seemed to be too long, but now I just don’t want this night to end because I know what’s waiting for me for tomorrow. What did I do deserve this? Why should I go through the humiliation for none of my mistakes? Where the hell is he, who has put me through this in life?

Death seems to be a good idea than facing the humiliation, I just wanted to go to a deep sleep rather facing the world. Neatly tied bed sheet is swinging from one end to another end, I just have to get up and do the deed. How long it takes to die? 30min? 5min? Will it be painful? I tried pushing this thoughts as I am determined about my decision. Faces of my parents passed in front of my eyes, what would they do if they find out that her only daughter is dead? Again who cares what one would think, once you are dead? Will he ever have a remorse for putting me through this? For some reason I wanted answer for this question.  What if he sighs out of relief hearing my death? Can I give him such pleasure in life?
My mind started mocking, you can’t give him a pleasure of your death but can you give grief to your parents? I just left my mind to blabber because I am determined and I know what needs to be done to put an end for everything.
Again I started staring at the ceiling fan where the bed sheet was swaying around, Once again same thought- will it be painful? How long it takes to die? Even a thought about who would attend my funeral also passed. I actually started visualizing my own funeral. I don’t know the time, all I know is, I have been sitting in this darkness for many hours and the night seems to be too long and I am totally okay with it because I don’t want to face the world tomorrow or I don’t have courage to get up and hang myself to the a makes shift hanging rope.
One thing I learnt on this dark night is, killing one self is more of a brave act and I am not brave enough to get up and knot myself to the death. At first I started counting hundred before I get up and do the dead, don’t know how many hundreds I counted that night. As the hours passed, I wasn’t sure about dying any more but one thing I was sure is, I don’t want to face the world, don’t want to go through the humiliations.
Don’t know by now how many hours passed, I just got used to the silence around me, darkness didn’t seem scary anymore…first light rays of the morning started trying to enter the room through the window curtains, that’s when I realised dark hours ended and its dawn now. I lost the mood to die and concluded death is more painful than facing the humiliations. I realised it’s not worth giving pleasure to a man with a news of my death.

Cowardness to face the death gave me a strength to face the world. I think I made a right decision that night….It’s not as bad as I assumed to face the world…Every fight is worth, once you taste the victory…….